Divorce is something that many think they know a lot about, but this information is often inaccurate — with people discussing subjects they don’t actually understand and the media hyping up half-truths and creating inaccurate but catchy slogans for effect and exposure. What’s the truth surrounding divorce? We explore the top divorce lies you’ve been told.

There’s no denying it; the internet is a fantastic resource. There’s a wealth of information at our fingertips and all it takes is a quick Google search to get thousands — if not hundreds of thousands — of pages at our disposal, all promising us the answer we’re looking for. Unfortunately, that inevitably means that some of it may be exaggerated — if not entirely incorrect. This can be damaging, especially if what you’re searching for concerns the law or your finances.

When it comes to divorce, misinformation is rife. Whether you’re browsing the web or given advice by a well-meaning friend or family member, you’ve likely come across a few divorce myths in your time. Did you know, for example, that you don’t always have to go to court to arrange a divorce, or that prenups aren’t actually legally binding? Having the right information can significantly help during the divorce process. Our expert divorce lawyers in London outline the seven divorce myths you’ve been told, along with the truth behind these sound bites that rarely tell the whole story.

We’re always seeing media stories of celebrities getting “quickie divorces”, a term coined by the media to show just how quickly these people appear to get divorced. It’s a tempting line, and as such, many people think they can get divorced incredibly quickly — even in as little as 12 weeks! In reality, however, that’s simply not the case. While there are certain things that can speed up the divorce process, such as if the divorce is amicable (yes — there is such a thing!) and not contested by the other party, and if you and your spouse can quickly agree on how your assets should be split and arrangements for any children, your divorce is likely to take between four and six months. If you and your ex-partner disagree, or if life gets in the way — as life is wont to do — and you don’t file for the appropriate legal documents quickly, the process can take even longer.

According to Family Court statistics from the Ministry of Justice, the length of divorce proceedings is actually on the rise. In its quarterly report (July to September 2018), the average time from petition to decree nisi (where the court agrees that there is no reason why a couple should not get divorced) was 31 weeks, while the average time from petition to decree absolute (when the divorce is legally ended) was 56 weeks. This is up seven weeks compared to the same quarter in 2017.

The majority of those seeking a divorce assume that they will need to attend a court hearing in order to be granted a divorce. The reality is far from the case. In fact, couples must only attend court in rare circumstances, such as if they can’t agree over financial or childcare matters, or if the respondent (the spouse who has to respond to the request for divorce — the petitioner is the spouse who files for divorce) contests the divorce. In these cases, a judge will decide how to split assets in a way that is fair or hear evidence and decide whether a divorce should be granted. Going to court is always considered a last resort.

Mediation, by its very definition, is all about cooperation and communication. As such, many couples choose mediation if their marriage is failing and they want to work together to salvage it. Mediation is great for this, but it’s also valuable for a variety of other purposes, many of which are related to divorce. Agreeing on arrangements can make the divorce process quicker and, a crucial factor for many — cheaper. Many opt for divorce mediation to discuss arrangements for a wide range of matters, such as finances (bank accounts and pensions, etc.), children (including contact and residence issues), and property (who gets the house in a divorce, and rent and mortgage arrangements). According to statistics from the National Family Mediation (NFM) network, an astonishing 56% of all mediation cases concern children, while 24% concern all of the above.

Clearly, mediation can be an extremely valuable tool for a spouse seeking a divorce — it’s far from ideal only for those looking to save their relationship. Interestingly, of the 40,000 referrals made to the NFM each year, a large number come from solicitors. Many solicitors — KMJ included — work closely with experienced mediators to get their clients the swiftest and most satisfactory resolution.

When people think of divorce, many think of long, bitter and drawn-out battles in court. In a way, it completely conflicts with the myth of divorces being granted quickly. However, divorces can actually be amicable, and this is always better for everyone involved. A divorce is life-changing — spouses must adjust to a new chapter of their lives, of which their ex-partner isn’t a part. This can be a time of great transformation, allowing people to rediscover their passions or enjoy new hobbies, but for some, the emotional impact can significantly affect their health, especially if the divorce isn’t friendly. When children are involved, the impact can be even more severe — no child wants to see his or her parents constantly fighting and stressed. An amicable divorce doesn’t mean you have to best friends with your ex — far from it —  but it does mean that you both need to be able to communicate with each other and decide on what’s best for each of you and any children involved.

There are many methods for achieving an amicable divorce. Some opt for mediation so that they can benefit from the experience of an objective third party, while others make the arrangements themselves. More still opt for a separation agreement — a contract that outlines each spouse’s obligations, such as to pay towards the mortgage on the family home or to look after the children at weekends. Such agreements aren’t legally binding, but they can bear weight in the event of a formal divorce. As a result, divorces made are typically more amicable when a separation agreement is present, and it can help make the process faster and more cost-effective — providing that neither spouse wants to change the conditions of the agreement — as arrangements have already been laid out.

Many couples opt for a prenuptial agreement — or a prenup — before getting married to protect their assets in the event of a divorce. However, it is a divorce myth that such legal documents are binding in a court of law. Like separation agreements, the court will take into consideration the stipulations in the agreement and its decision may very well be influenced by the prenup, but there is no guarantee. For a prenup to hold as much weight as possible, it must be drafted by a qualified prenuptial agreement solicitor, and you should always get legal advice from a specialist during the process, regardless of which side of the prenup you sit. It’s in this case that a divorce myth can be particularly damaging — if an individual is told that their prenup is legally binding, they may not take the steps required to ensure that it is likely to be upheld in court — prenups must meet a set of specific criteria to ensure this as much as possible.

When an individual seeks to get a divorce, they must satisfy one of the specified grounds for divorce in the UK. Bear with us — we’ll get to the reason why committing adultery while separated is a divorce myth in a moment, but first, we must look at the five grounds for divorce. You can cite one or more of the following reasons:

• Adultery — Where your spouse has had sex with another individual. The law currently recognises adultery as sex within marriage between a man and a woman. It’s important to note that this does not constitute a reason for divorce if you continue to live with your spouse for six months after you found out.
• Unreasonable behaviour — This is the most commonly cited reason for divorce. The legal definition of unreasonable behaviour is where your spouse has behaved in such a way that it is not reasonably expected that you can continue to live with them. Common reasons include physical or emotional abuse, such as threats, insults and physical violence; drunkenness or drug-taking, or refusing to pay housekeeping.
• Desertion — This is when your husband or wife has left you, either without your arrangement, without good reason, to end your relationship or for more than two years in the last two-and-a-half years.
• You’ve been separated for two years or more — If you and your partner have split up and been separated for two-and-a-half years or more, you can get a divorce on the grounds of separation, provided your spouse agrees in writing. You can claim on this ground even if you still live together, as long as you lead separate lives (for example, you sleep and eat apart).
• You’ve been separated for five years or more — If you and your partner have been separated for at least five years, you can file for divorce, even without your partner’s consent. This means that they cannot contest the divorce.

As we can see, adultery is a grounds for divorce. This leads many spouses to think that they can engage in sexual intercourse with a member of the opposite sex while separated and that it cannot be used as a reason for divorce. Firstly, it’s important to note that there are two definitions of separation. The first is when you and your spouse split but are still legally married. In this case, having sex with someone else will still count as adultery in the eyes of the law and be a valid reason for your spouse to file for divorce — even if you and your spouse verbally agree that you are allowed to see other people.

However, this may differ if you and your spouse have a separation agreement in place. A separation agreement is a document drafted by a solicitor, which, as mentioned above, outlines the obligations you and your spouse have with regards to financial and childcare matters. If a separation agreement outlines that it is acceptable for you or your spouse to have sex with another member of the opposite sex without it being considered as adultery, it’s likely that this ground for divorce would not hold up. Separation agreements are far from legally binding — although they can be made so — but they are generally referred to in court cases as a valid document.

It’s a common divorce myth that you need a solicitor to get divorced in the UK. This isn’t the case, and it is possible to get divorced without legal representation. That being said, we highly recommend that you seek legal counsel when looking to get a divorce. If a divorce is not amicable and you and your spouse can’t reach an agreement, going through the process independently can be costly and cause stress. A solicitor is well versed in the law and can help you ensure that the divorce process is as quick and pain-free as possible — and if there are issues, they will use their legal nous to determine a rapid and beneficial solution. Solicitors can support you in a range of situations, including:

• If mediation is required — As we’ve already discussed, mediation can help you and your spouse come to agreements over financial, childcare and property issues — or even all of the above.
• If you want a separation agreement — Some couples opt for a separation agreement to clearly outline their obligations — whether they are looking to get a divorce immediately or they want to try to work on their marriage but have provisions in place to let them live separate lives in the meantime.
• If you and your partner are not on good terms — Legal battles can be bitter and complex. It is in the best interests of everyone involved that divorce is completed quickly to avoid stress to either partner and any others involved, such as children. An experienced solicitor can ensure that the process is as smooth as possible, cutting costs for you.

There is no one-size-fits-all divorce solution. At best, a divorce myth can lead you to seek legal advice to determine the best course of action. At worst, it can be incredibly damaging, causing more expense and pain than is necessary. If you’re seeking a divorce, or your partner is seeking a divorce against you, asking an experienced family law firm for guidance could be the best decision you make. Don’t fall foul of divorce myths and, instead, go directly to the experts — the payoff will be worth it.

Looking to get a divorce but been told one or more of the above divorce myths? Find out where you really stand. KMJ’s expert team of family law solicitors can help you get the outcome you desire.